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<p style="text-align: justify;">一篇展示個人特色的personal statement在留學申請時至關重要，然而很多同學寫的PS經(jīng)歷單薄，缺乏深度思考，甚至模版化套路化，讓人沒有閱讀的興趣。如何在個人陳述中增加細節(jié)，使其有血有肉？</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">今天【心動的文書】欄目，和大家分享一下以往學生的案例，直觀感受下什么是好的文書。（<strong>下劃線加粗為好詞好句，大家可以收藏積累哦～</strong>）</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><span class="h1">01 經(jīng)歷單薄 vs 場景+感悟+愿景描寫</span></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <ul> <li style="text-align: justify;"><strong>Before：</strong></li> </ul> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">I once attended a course of a high-functioning autistic child, who never raised his hand to answer questions. After the course, I was curious about autistic children's behavioral characteristics, which is why I want to learn psychology.</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #1890ff;"><strong>原文從參加一個高功能自閉癥孩子隨班就讀的課程入手說明「我」對于心理學的興趣起源，經(jīng)歷太過單薄，說服力不夠。</strong></span></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <ul> <li style="text-align: justify;"><strong>After：</strong></li> </ul> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">He sat silently with his head down, which seemed <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">incongruous</span></strong> among the students who actively raised their hands for an opportunity to answer the teacher&rsquo;s question.<strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【場景描寫】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">Although I had learnt about autistic children&rsquo;s social impairments as a psychology major, this scene <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>convulsed my soul</strong></span> deeply. Based on the teacher&rsquo;s description, the school had actually taken some measures to help such children adapt to their schooling life quickly, which, however, had little effect.<strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【學校確實采取了一些措施讓這些孩子能快速適應學習生活，但沒有什么效果】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">I am hence eager to explore the needs and characteristics of children with different educational, behavioral, and social adjustment disabilities so that I am able to contribute to the improvement of China&rsquo;s psychological education for children.<strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【「我」想要了解不同教育，行為及社會適應障礙兒童的需求及特點】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">Fulfilling this aspiration <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>calls for</strong></span> new knowledge reservoir so as to support my long-term career development in this domain, motivating me to apply for XX programme without hesitation.</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #1890ff;"><strong>修改后的PS的開頭句描寫了這個自閉癥孩子與其他學生格格不入的場景，讓「我」深感震撼。增加的細節(jié)有：雖然學校確實采取了一些措施讓這些孩子適應學習生活，但這些措施沒有多少效果；「我」想要了解不同教育，行為及社會適應障礙兒童的需求及特點。相比原文中&ldquo;想要了解自閉癥兒童的行為特點和眼中的世界&rdquo;來說，這樣的細節(jié)會讓學生的申請動機更有說服力。</strong></span></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><span class="h1">02 缺乏深度思考 vs 自我成長+目標項目</span></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <ul> <li style="text-align: justify;"><strong>Before：</strong></li> </ul> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">Last year, I joined the ByteDance College Students VLOGER Project. During this period, I built the overall framework of video creation and added interactive topics to increase the interaction activity with the audience. Such an experience greatly improved my ability in producing short videos.</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><strong><span style="color: #1890ff;">原文只是簡單地羅列「我」做的所有事情，缺乏細節(jié)支撐和深度思考，讓文章顯得枯燥無味。</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <ul> <li style="text-align: justify;"><strong>After：</strong></li> </ul> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">Last year, I actively signed up for the ByteDance College Students VLOGER Project to accumulate practical experience in short video production. Initially, due to my unfamiliarity with Tiktok big data algorithms and the law of packaging and producing videos, the videos I <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">elaborately</span> </strong>made achieved unsatisfactory effects. <strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【由于不熟悉抖音大數(shù)據(jù)算法和和視頻包裝制作規(guī)律，「我」做的視頻效果平平】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">Not deterred by this challenge, I initiatively consulted the instructor. Under his guidance, I generalized the video rules and packaging methods of hundreds of similar bloggers and classified the creative logic of each popular video one by one.<strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【為解決這個問題作出的努力】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">In this process, I noticed that producing a popular short video needs more fast, efficient, and eye-catching audio-visual language, as well as <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">grounded</span></strong>, <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>amiable</strong></span>, and <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>vivid</strong></span> labels and characters. <strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【總結了爆款視頻的特點】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">Through the following systematic training and continuous trials, I succeeded in hatching three short video accounts and two WeChat public accounts, on which there were more than one million hits. <span style="color: #eb5757;"><strong>【最后取得了不錯的成果】</strong></span></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">Through this experience, I garnered a <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>sophisticated</strong></span> understanding of the operation logic of social media platforms and grasped short video production skills, which will surely facilitate my learning of your courses such as Social Media Marketing and Content Production. <strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【總結學到了XX知識和技能，對于將來學習研究生的XX和XX課程有幫助】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #1890ff;"><strong>修改后的PS將重點放在「我」在短視頻制作上遇到的困難，解決方法和取得的成績。尤其是，最后總結了「我」學到的XX知識和技能對于研究生階段學習XX和XX課程很有幫助，這樣的寫法可以把經(jīng)歷和目標項目緊密相連。</strong></span></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><span class="h1">03 模板化套路化 vs 針對性寫作</span></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <ul> <li style="text-align: justify;"><strong>Before：</strong></li> </ul> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">Bristol, ranked 61st in the world in the QS World University Rankings 2023, attracts me for its world-class teaching and research excellence. In addition, to become a TESOL teacher, I believe it is important to pursue a higher degree in English teaching. Therefore, I believe that Bristol&rsquo;s MSc in TESOL will teach me the knowledge that meets my expectations.</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><strong><span style="color: #1890ff;">原文的why school沒有含金量的內(nèi)容，換一個學校和項目同樣適用。</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <ul> <li style="text-align: justify;"><strong>After：</strong></li> </ul> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">To become a qualified TESOL teacher, I <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">regard it as a necessity</span></strong> to acquire more professional theories and practical experience in English teaching, especially in second language learning, research methodologies, and curriculum design. <strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【尤其想要學習二語學習，研究方法和課程設計】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">To this end</span></strong>, I am sure that Bristol&rsquo;s MSc in TESOL, with courses like Research Methods in Language Education, Second Language Learning, and Pedagogy and Curriculum for Language Education, will equip me with advanced expertise that <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">accords with</span></strong> my expectations. <strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【羅列了具體的課程】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;">What further <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>distinguishes</strong></span> this program from others is its diverse and <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">seasoned</span></strong> faculty members who attract me for their work and research experiences in frontier areas. I am particularly interested in Dr Robert Sharples&rsquo;s research, focusing on how mobile learners learn the additional languages they need to succeed and how schools and education systems can work more effectively with mobile, multilingual young people. As far as I know, ethnic minority students in Yunnan Province in 2022 <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">account for</span></strong> 31.25%. Besides their ethnic languages and the Chinese language, they also need to learn English as a second language. Therefore, it is my aspiration to explore how these students can learn an additional language more efficiently under Dr Robert Sharples&rsquo;s guidance. Such studies will provide me with a broader understanding of how English is taught to people who speak different first languages.<strong><span style="color: #eb5757;">【列舉了一位感興趣的教授的研究方向】</span></strong></p> <p style="text-align: justify;">&nbsp;</p> <p style="text-align: justify;"><strong><span style="color: #1890ff;">修改后的PS增加了想要具體學習的內(nèi)容，感興趣的教授的研究方向，同時也描寫了自己相關的發(fā)現(xiàn)，這樣的細節(jié)描述可以增加why school部分的可信度。此外，why school部分也可以補充一些感興趣的課程，這些課程對于實現(xiàn)自己的職業(yè)規(guī)劃，未來發(fā)展的重要性。當然，在官網(wǎng)上搜索一些該項目的特色，如workshop, industry links, 校友網(wǎng)絡等，把這些特色和自己的職業(yè)發(fā)展聯(lián)系起來也是不錯的選擇。</span></strong></p>